Beardisms

A token gesture:  We’re not talking Space Invaders and skee ball. Beards ticked off Tsar Peter 1 of Russia. His beard tax ticked off pockets: those that paid the tax had to carry a beard token to prove it. One side of the token declared “the beard is a superfluous burden.” What a miscreant.

 

Be very afraid: To be afraid of beards is called Pogonophobic. Put THAT in your crossword puzzle.

 

Speaking of Pogonotrophy, the longest living beard goes to a Canadian named Sarwan Singh. At 7 feet 9 inches, that thing would make one hell of a rope.

 

Presidential beards: Abe Lincoln was the first fully-bearded president. The dude was honest. Grew it out after an 11-year-old girl told him a beard would pretty him up for his presidential run.

 

Early man manscaped his face with flint and sea shells. And you call yourself a man…

 

Do you think I’m sexy? Darwin did. He thought beards grew as a result of sexual selection: Chicks dig guys with beards. Hmmm. Guys Into Beard Stuff. Do the math.

 

To beard and protect: Scientists think prehistoric men were bearded for warmth, intimidation and protection from blows to the face. There was also the cave chick factor…

 

The first barbers were Egyptians. A society obsessed with cleanliness, entire families shaved their heads. Barbers visited the wealthy. And yes, they had razors: stone, copper, gold… you name it, they shaved with it.

 

Alexander the Great made his soldiers shave before the battle of Ardela. Why?Have you ever been beard yanked? Not good.

 

Middle man: In the middle ages, to touch another dude’s man mane was considered offensive and cause for a dynamic duel.

 

Wise Men: Beards have long been considered emblems of wisdom, from philosophy to playwrights. Think Socrates and Shakespeare, whose beard could write in iambic pentameter.

 

The beat of his own drum: Frank Beard, ZZ Top’s drummer, is the only sharp dressed man in the band without a beard.

 

That’s a yacht: If dudes were to stop shaving entirely, the average guy would grow a beard about 27.5 feet long.

 

Speedy Gonzales: Beard hair is the fastest growing hair on the human body.

 

Grandpa was a liar: Sorry, but he was a big fat liar. Shaving doesn’t make your ‘stache or your face fleece grow in thicker or heavier.

 

Would you pay to play? Seems you’re nothing but a pansy if you don’t shell out $8,500 for beard implants in Brooklyn.

Reverse bearding: Serpico was filmed in reverse order: Al Pacino began with long hair and a beard. For each scene, his hair and beard were trimmed bit by bit until he became clean-cut.

 

A castrated Casto? Rumor has it, in the 1960s, the CIA planned to emasculate Fidel Castro by making his trademark beard fall out. One plot considered was dousing his shoes with thallium salts when they were sent out to be shined.